I know. . . and I wish. . . and I can't fix it. . . I can make it matter

. . . and that is probably the hardest thing to live with.

I know the feeling of huddling
with arms outstretched like wings
trying desperately to protect orphaned children.

I know the feeling of aching bones
looking for five more minutes to sleep
while trying to shut down the outside noise just to sleep peacefully.

I know the feeling of hot tears
streaming constant down my face
waiting for the bleeding wound inside my heart
to be cauterize by the fire that drives me to get out of bed and live.

I know the feeling of active listening,
and not being able to "do" anything to fix what went wrong.
It's hard to watch you feel so tormented and not be able to make it all better.
And I will hold you as long as I can.  Maybe, loving you will help.  That's all I know to do.

All of these feelings can be summoned at a moments notice.  Even though they are memories of experiences past.  I place them in a secure place at the bottom of the ocean.  Funny how it doesn't even take a hurricane to stir things inside and bring them to the surface.

I know the feeling of standing strong and brave to hold a safe space for you.
I know the feeling of fear and insignificance when even the safe space isn't enough.
I know the feeling of motherhood where you are concerned.  After all, that is where I placed myself.
I know that you will have to take this journey and figure this out.
I know I can't always go all the way down the path with you to get through to the other side of the forest.

I know the feeling of waking up every morning, shoulders back, head held high, ready to take on the world.
I wish I could share that feeling with you and it would stick with you, permanently.

I am here.
You are here.
We are here for a reason.
I intend to make a positive difference.
I intend to be deliberate about everything I do.
I intend to continue to step up to the plate and push forward.
I intend to make it matter.