Forgiveness Comes in Strange Packages

I wrote about riding rails or sitting on fences HERE .
I am writing about a recent experience of forgiveness and how it has changed the last couple of days and has re-routed my future.  I used what I have, my voice, to slay the giants.  By clicking on the last sentence you can go back and read what was ahead.

Short story:  I used my voice and spoke to a person who was triggering the abuse from my past with my father's ability to make me feel less than.  The most interesting part of that "triggering" was that it was coming from a person in a field that is supposed to be my "safe place".

I was a pastor for two years prior to stepping out into public speaking across the country.  Now that I am traveling, I have learned that my home base, my place to land between speaking engagements, can present opportunities for healing in ways I never dreamt.

So, I went to the person who was "triggering" these thoughts and feelings.  I confronted and stated that I am a peer not a "less than" not a "child" and to my pleasant surprise was asked for forgiveness, through tears of remorse.  Nuff said.  I forgave and have moved on with the understanding that if it happens again, I WILL SPEAK UP AND MOVE ALONG WITHOUT HESITATION OR QUESTIONS.

Three days ago, I was sitting and talking to a person for whom I have deep respect.  Sharing this experience we began to talk about my father and how I had forgiven him.  I stated that I have never been able to move forward and find the great memories that I know are there the way I do with my mother.
We acknowledged the betrayal of my father.  You can read that HERE if you haven't.  We acknowledged the difference in how they both reacted and responded. 
I said to her, "there has to be more.  I can't move beyond this point.  And because of that I can't take my father down off the cross I built for him.  I really need to do this, even though there are times when I think I have.  I need to get through this."
So, as we sat there together, I had a conversation as if my father were in the room. 
At first, I spoke very matter of fact and angry.  The anger teared to fear and betrayal, then just tired and drained feelings.  I gave my dad "what for".  I dumped the last 25 years of aching out.
When I stopped, the lady asked me, have you ever wondered what your father felt like in that experience.
I responded, "I NEVER THOUGHT ONE MINUTE ABOUT HOW HE FELT!"

She said, "Okay.  Let's do for a mintue.  He was a pillar in the community.  He was a pastor.  He walked his talk.  He spoke from his heart.  He wanted to forgive those who asked forgiveness.  I just wander if he could go back, what would he do today?"

I said, "I never thought about it that way." 

She said, "So, what if you pretend for a moment, you just received as a parent what you just shared for and with your father.  What would you do?  How would you respond?"

At first, I was at a loss for words.  But then I began to think about it seriously.  What would I say to my son if he came to me and told me what I had just said out loud?  I began to respond through tears of regret.  I began to think of how I would beg forgiveness.  For the first time, I tried to look through the eyes of my father.  And I wanted desperately to reach out to him, hold him and pull him down from the cross I have hung him on for the past 25 years.  I wanted to reach out to him and let him know that I love him and know that he really did the best he could with all he thought was right at the time.  And even though I don't agree with how he handled it, I am so ready to forgive him and let it go and love the greatness about him. 

Since I experienced that, I have felt so much lighter.  I have so much room for more love and compassion, not only for myself but for everyone!

This was the strangest experience I have had with forgiveness.  And yet, it has been the most freeing.

Truly, forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves.

So, if my father were alive and read this, to him I would say, "Daddy, it's over.  What is important to me now is that you and I move forward in the greatness we were born for.  Now, forgive yourself.  I love you."